HILARIOUS JOKES AND RIDDLES

1.Why was 6 afraid of 7?

   Beacuse 7 8 9 (7 ate 9)

 

2. What do you call a duck that steals? 

      A Robber Duck.

 

3.Your momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

 

4. A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her. The man in the car says to her, ''What do you have in the bag?'' The blonde replies: ''I have toy cars!'' The man thinks for a moment and says, ''If I can guess which colour toy cars you have in the bag, can I have one?'' The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, ''Okay, but I'll make the bet even better! If you can guess exactly how many toy carsI have in the bag I will give you BOTH of them!"

 

5.Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work!

 

6.What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

   "Is that you mommy?"

 

7.What do prisoners use to call each other?

   Cell phones.

 

8.Where do polar bears vote?                                                                                                  The North poll

 

9.What did the old chimney say to the young chimney ?                                                        You're too young to smoke 

 

10. Why don't skeletons fight each other?                                                                                   They don't have the guts

 

11.What did the water say to the boat?                                                                       Nothing, it just waved

 

12.Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?

     Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

 

13.Which dog would keep the best time?

    A watch dog.

 

14. Why did the tomato turn red?

       It saw the salad dressing!

 

15.What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

     It let out a little wine!

 

16.What do you get from a pampered cow?

      Spoiled milk.

 

17.Where do snowmen keep their money?

     In snow banks

 

18.Where do ants go fo dinner?

     To a restaurant 

 

19.What is the biggest ant?

     An elephant

 

20.What medicine do we give sick ants?

     Antibiotics

 

21.Why did tigger stick his head in the toilet?                                                                   He was looking for pooh!

22.There are two muffins in an oven.                                                                        One muffin says to the other "BOY! it's hot in here!"                                           And the other muffin exclaims " OH MY GOD!  A TALKING MUFFIN!"
23.A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?”

     "That’s disgusting — don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” dad replies.

      After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”

     “Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

 

24.Who earns a living driving their customers away?

     A taxi driver 

 

25.What sits in the corner & travels all over the world?

      A stamp!

 

26.Why did the computer go to the doctor?

      Because it had a virus!

 

27.Why are frogs so happy?

      They eat whatever bugs them 

 

28.What happened when a dog swallowed a firefly?

      It barked with de-light.

 

29.Why do fish live in salt water?

     Because pepper makes them sneeze! 

 

30.Which bow cannot be tied?

      A Rainbow

 

31.Which room can we not enter?

      Mushroom

 

32.What is the best day to go to the beach?

      Sunday, of course! 

 

33.Where did the computer go to dance?

      To a disc-o. 

 

34.What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?

      The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew          chew". 

 

35.Why did the birdie go to the hospital?

      To get a tweetment. 

 

36.Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

      Because he had no-body to go with. 

 

37.What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?

      The road!

 

 

38.Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?

     The scientists were brainstorming! 

 

39.Why did the car turn red?

      It saw the traffic light changing                

 

40.Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

      Because he was sitting on the deck! 

 

41.What starts with P ends with E and has more than million letters in         it?

      Post Office!

 

42.Walk on the living, they don't even mumble.

But walk on the dead, they mutter and grumble.
What are they? Leaves

43.Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?                                                 Then it would be a foot!

44.What comes never in a day, twice in a week and once in an              year?                                                                                                The letter 'e'

45. What 2 things can we never eat for breakfast?                                  Lunch and Dinner

46.What can you serve but never eat?                                                     Tennis ball

47.I have all of your knowledge but could fit in your hands. What am      I ?                                                                                                        Your brain

48. Give me food I will live, give me water I will die. What am I?             Fire!

49.Light hides me and darkness kills me. What am I?                              Shadow!

50.A king finds a woman he wants to marry but she refuses. But since he is the king, she has to. The king gives her a deal: he will write 'YES' and 'NO' on two pieces of paper. The papers will be put into a hat and she will choose one. If it says yes she will marry him, if it says no she will not. The only problem is that the king cheats and puts two pieces of paper that say yes into the hat, but the woman is the only one who sees this.How can the woman avoid marrying the king?                                                                           First she has to draw one of the papers and get rid of it (by eating it, throwing it, etc.). Then they will check the hat and she that the other paper says 'YES', so they know that she drew the paper that said 'NO'. In this case, she doesn't have to marry the king.

51.A man shaves several times a day, yet he still has a beard.Who is this man?                                                                                        He is a barber!

52.I am very easy to get into,but it is hard to get out of me.What am I?                                                                                                        Trouble!

53.What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?                         Time to buy a new fence!

54.What has holes on each side, but can still can hold water?                A sponge!

55.During which month do people sleep the least?                                February, it is the shortest month after all!

56.What has 10 letters and starts with gas?                                          An automobile

57.What starts with T ends with T and is full of T?                                   Teapot

58.A thief enters a shop and threatens the clerk, forcing him to open the safe. The clerk says, "The code for the safe is different every day, and if you hurt me you'll never get the code". But the thief manages to guess the code on his own.How did he do it?         The code is ;'different'.The clerk told him!

59.What two letters can spell the word candy?                                        C and Y. If you take away the spaces, it will become the word            CandY.

 60.The shorter I am, the bigger I am.What am I?                                      A temper

 

61.A father goes to prison and the mother will have to sell her hotel, but their young daughter is happy.How can these parents tolerate such ingratitude and what put them in this situation?

The 3 of them were playing MONOPOLY!

 

62.Every time you lose something, you always find it in the very last place you would look.Why is this?       

It is the last place you would look because you already would of found it.

63.How can you make 7 even?                                                                                 Take away the 'S'!
64.Which building has the most stories?                                                               The library! ( It has the most books.)
65.Wednesday, Tom and Joe went to a restaurant and ate dinner. When they were done they paid for the food and left. But Tom and Joe didn't pay for the food.Who did?                                                  Their friend Wednesday!
66.What is the best way to keep your hat from falling off your head?      Don't put it on your head
67.How many letters are in the alphabet?                                                There are 11 letters! T-H-E- A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T
68.You loose  your mother in a carnival.Eventually you find her. What is the first thing you'll do?
Stop searching for her
 
69.A man rides into a town on friday, stays 3 days and comes back on friday morning.How is this possible?
His horse's name is Friday!
 
70.What kind of button won't unbutton?
     A bellybutton! 
 
71. Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to             sleep?
       So he could have sweet dreams 

 

72.What goes up when the rain comes down?

     An umbrella. 



73.Why did the boy tip-toe past the medicine cupbboard?

      He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills!

 

74.Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?

     Because they're all in High School! 

 

75.Which is the longest word in the dictionary?

     "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"! 


76.Which month do soldiers hate the most?

      The month of MARCH

 

77.Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

      He wanted to go to high school.

 

78.Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?

     Because he wanted to see time fly! 

 

79.When do you stop at green and go at red?

     When you're eating a watermelon!

 

80.Why did the baby strawberry cry?

     Because his parents were in a jam! 

 

81.Which 2 keys can't be used to open any doors?

      Monkey and Donkey

 

82.What do you call a bear with no socks on?

      Bare-foot. 

 

83.Where do super-heros shop?

      At the super-market

 

84.What kind of shoes do all spies wear?

     Sneakers. 

 

85.How do baseball players stay cool?

     They sit next to their fans. 

 

86.Why was the math textbook sad?

     It had too many problems!

 

87.What is an astronaut's favorite place on a keyboard?

      The Space bar! 

 

88.Why did the boy eat his homework?

      Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake! 

 

89.What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs?

      A cloud! 

 

90.Why can't a leopard hide?

 Because he's always spotted! 


91.What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter?

     Jellyfish!

 

92.Why do birds fly south for the winter?

     It's easier than walking!

 

93.How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?

     Have you ever seen a rabbit wear glasses?

 

94.What goes up but never comes down?

     Our age!

 

95.What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?

     Firecrackers!

 

96.Why did the tree go to the dentist?

 

     To get a root canal!

 

97.What pet makes the loudest noise?

      A trum-pet

 

98.Why did the barber win the race? 

     Because he took a short cut!

 

99.Why was the broom late?

      It over swept!

 

100.Name a city in which no one lives.                                                        Electricity!

 

101.Why did the child study in the airplane? 

        He wanted higher education!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



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